30+ single women face old bias

30+ single women face old bias

By Christiani Tumelap

JAKARTA (JP): A woman over 30 years of age with a good career,
great salary and still single -- is it cool or scary to you?

Some would say cool, as long as she heads down the aisle
before passing 40.

Others might roar "scaaary", and be just as likely to start
questioning her sexual orientation.

Being a single woman with a bright career at a foreign company
and a fat pay check has not always been a rosy experience for
Rosa Diah, 36.

She says that apart from the money, self-fulfillment and
freedom, there has also been society's criticism and suspicion of
why she remains single.

"I got really fed up with people questioning my prolonged
singleness. It's so hard to satisfy society," she said.

"If I smiled a lot or did myself up nicely, they would accuse
me of flirting. If I smiled less and put on conventional clothes,
they would call me an aggrieved, rude spinster. I heard people
even speculate that I'm a lesbian. Jeez, what's wrong with these
people? Can't they at least give a single woman a break?"

Although it is different in urban areas, in small towns and
particularly villages women are supposed to marry by at least
their early 20s, if not younger. It's not only about the
importance of woman keeping "pure" before marriage, but also to
ease the family's economic burden by bringing another wage packet
into the home.

A 1999 demographic survey found that 57 percent of Indonesians
married before the age of 20, and half of that percentage was
married at 16 or younger.

Today, many people in major cities, especially Jakarta, are
unfazed by an unattached thirty-something woman in their midst.
But they have their age limit.

"They only grow impatient when the woman hits 35 but still
looks comfortable with her singleness," says Evelyn Suleeman, a
sociologist from the University of Indonesia.

And, except for practicing greater patience, society has not
really changed the way it perceives women, who either by choice
or circumstance remain unmarried.

"The age-old female stereotype still exists," Evelyn said.

Society has long viewed women who could not "catch" a husband
as incomplete, unhappy, unattractive, incapable of social
relationships, an anomaly and a disgrace to her family.

It also becomes an all-encompassing excuse. For instance, the
behavior of a sarcastic female colleague with a chip on her
shoulder is explained away by the fact that, in her late 30s, she
still does not have a husband.

Many parents still feel they could only claim success in the
parenting duties if they had walked their daughter down the aisle
and handed her over to the care of a groom, Evelyn said.

Jayanti, 64, whose eldest daughter of 34 has not married,
insisted, however, that the family's concern of the prolonged
singleness of daughters or nieces had absolutely nothing to do
with female stereotype.

"We're not a bunch of narrow-minded people. All my girls have
good careers and we encourage them to live their lives to the
fullest. But it is a woman's biological clock that we're worried
about. If my daughter doesn't get married soon, chances are she
will face more problems during pregnancy and delivery," she said.

Marriage

The concept of a woman happily and consciously deciding to put
off marriage for a career, or not to get married at all, is still
something society does not want to accept, Evelyn said.

"Even most of the single women themselves consider that
getting married, sharing their life with someone they love and
raising children of their own are among the natural, greatest
desires in life," she said.

Evelyn likes to make a simple survey of her students on their
perception of family values every year. The result shows only one
or two consider ruling out marriage. The majority say they cannot
imagine growing old without a husband and children.

Linda Mangunsong, a 33-year-old executive, said she did not
believe the majority of Indonesian women really wanted to put off
marriage for the sake of career or personal achievement.

"They may feel like it when they just started to work and
thrilled to see the numbers on their pay cheques. But not when
they are stable and more mature," said Linda, whose younger
sisters have all married and have children.

If they want the marriage life so much, why haven't they got
married then?

"Because I haven't met the man. Some friends said I'm just
being too damn picky, but I'm not," said the public relations
manager of Gran Melia hotel, Hanum Yahya, who just turned 36.

Getting married was Hanum's resolution last year.

"I will definitely get married and yes, I'd love to have
children of my own... It's not like my life is doomed if I'm not
married this year, but being 36 years old... it's so close to
40, my God."

Unfortunately for single women, a mature age and good career
are not a good combination. Women fancy mature men with wealth
and status, but not vice versa.

"For some reason, men feel intimidated by me," Hanum said.

Linda, who is the country manager of a Hong Kong-based
software company, experienced the same thing, saying "prospective
candidates" would usually back off after exchanging business
cards.

"Society still believes that men should have a better job than
women," Linda said. "But, mind you, I don't regret being single
even at this age. I respect marriage so much that I don't want to
get married just for the sake of it."

Describing themselves as fulfilled, content single women,
Linda, Hanum and Rosa said what they loved the most about their
singleness was the freedom to explore life to the limit without
having to worry it might offend or ruin a spouse's plan.

There is also the financial independence, too.

What they dislike the most is the loneliness.

"Weekends are particularly unbearable because my closest
friends are spending them with their families. I would not join
them even if they asked -- don't want to disturb them," Hanum
said.

Even though she said she is content being single, she has that
age-old fear that still haunts many women, including the
fictitious character Bridget Jones of literary and cinematic
fame..

"What I'm scared of the most is growing old alone," Hanum
said.