30+ single women face old bias
By Christiani Tumelap
JAKARTA (JP): A woman over 30 years of age with a good career, great salary and still single -- is it cool or scary to you?
Some would say cool, as long as she heads down the aisle before passing 40.
Others might roar "scaaary", and be just as likely to start questioning her sexual orientation.
Being a single woman with a bright career at a foreign company and a fat pay check has not always been a rosy experience for Rosa Diah, 36.
She says that apart from the money, self-fulfillment and freedom, there has also been society's criticism and suspicion of why she remains single.
"I got really fed up with people questioning my prolonged singleness. It's so hard to satisfy society," she said.
"If I smiled a lot or did myself up nicely, they would accuse me of flirting. If I smiled less and put on conventional clothes, they would call me an aggrieved, rude spinster. I heard people even speculate that I'm a lesbian. Jeez, what's wrong with these people? Can't they at least give a single woman a break?"
Although it is different in urban areas, in small towns and particularly villages women are supposed to marry by at least their early 20s, if not younger. It's not only about the importance of woman keeping "pure" before marriage, but also to ease the family's economic burden by bringing another wage packet into the home.
A 1999 demographic survey found that 57 percent of Indonesians married before the age of 20, and half of that percentage was married at 16 or younger.
Today, many people in major cities, especially Jakarta, are unfazed by an unattached thirty-something woman in their midst. But they have their age limit.
"They only grow impatient when the woman hits 35 but still looks comfortable with her singleness," says Evelyn Suleeman, a sociologist from the University of Indonesia.
And, except for practicing greater patience, society has not really changed the way it perceives women, who either by choice or circumstance remain unmarried.
"The age-old female stereotype still exists," Evelyn said.
Society has long viewed women who could not "catch" a husband as incomplete, unhappy, unattractive, incapable of social relationships, an anomaly and a disgrace to her family.
It also becomes an all-encompassing excuse. For instance, the behavior of a sarcastic female colleague with a chip on her shoulder is explained away by the fact that, in her late 30s, she still does not have a husband.
Many parents still feel they could only claim success in the parenting duties if they had walked their daughter down the aisle and handed her over to the care of a groom, Evelyn said.
Jayanti, 64, whose eldest daughter of 34 has not married, insisted, however, that the family's concern of the prolonged singleness of daughters or nieces had absolutely nothing to do with female stereotype.
"We're not a bunch of narrow-minded people. All my girls have good careers and we encourage them to live their lives to the fullest. But it is a woman's biological clock that we're worried about. If my daughter doesn't get married soon, chances are she will face more problems during pregnancy and delivery," she said.
Marriage
The concept of a woman happily and consciously deciding to put off marriage for a career, or not to get married at all, is still something society does not want to accept, Evelyn said.
"Even most of the single women themselves consider that getting married, sharing their life with someone they love and raising children of their own are among the natural, greatest desires in life," she said.
Evelyn likes to make a simple survey of her students on their perception of family values every year. The result shows only one or two consider ruling out marriage. The majority say they cannot imagine growing old without a husband and children.
Linda Mangunsong, a 33-year-old executive, said she did not believe the majority of Indonesian women really wanted to put off marriage for the sake of career or personal achievement.
"They may feel like it when they just started to work and thrilled to see the numbers on their pay cheques. But not when they are stable and more mature," said Linda, whose younger sisters have all married and have children.
If they want the marriage life so much, why haven't they got married then?
"Because I haven't met the man. Some friends said I'm just being too damn picky, but I'm not," said the public relations manager of Gran Melia hotel, Hanum Yahya, who just turned 36.
Getting married was Hanum's resolution last year.
"I will definitely get married and yes, I'd love to have children of my own... It's not like my life is doomed if I'm not married this year, but being 36 years old... it's so close to 40, my God."
Unfortunately for single women, a mature age and good career are not a good combination. Women fancy mature men with wealth and status, but not vice versa.
"For some reason, men feel intimidated by me," Hanum said.
Linda, who is the country manager of a Hong Kong-based software company, experienced the same thing, saying "prospective candidates" would usually back off after exchanging business cards.
"Society still believes that men should have a better job than women," Linda said. "But, mind you, I don't regret being single even at this age. I respect marriage so much that I don't want to get married just for the sake of it."
Describing themselves as fulfilled, content single women, Linda, Hanum and Rosa said what they loved the most about their singleness was the freedom to explore life to the limit without having to worry it might offend or ruin a spouse's plan.
There is also the financial independence, too.
What they dislike the most is the loneliness.
"Weekends are particularly unbearable because my closest friends are spending them with their families. I would not join them even if they asked -- don't want to disturb them," Hanum said.
Even though she said she is content being single, she has that age-old fear that still haunts many women, including the fictitious character Bridget Jones of literary and cinematic fame..
"What I'm scared of the most is growing old alone," Hanum said.