When he 'mothers', she 'fathers'<\/p>\n
Santi W.E. Soekanto, Contributor, Depok<\/p>\n
Like everybody else, my husband and I do not appreciate the
\ncurrent jostling for position in the House of Representatives.<\/p>\n
We think that it reflects the new legislators' ineptitude in
\napportioning rights, obligations and individual skills. We, on
\nthe other hand, are great believers in the concept of division of
\nlabor. This is why he stays home to \"mother\" our children while I
\ngo \"fathering\" by working in a (socially) better-appreciated job
\nin Jakarta.<\/p>\n
Why?<\/p>\n
For one, because I am a rotten cook, whereas my husband can
\nslap up a gourmet meal out of last year's leftovers still lurking
\nin the darkest corner of the fridge.<\/p>\n
The most compelling reason, however, is that he is the better
\nparent -- ever so funny, gentle and patient with the kids --
\nwhile I still get an adrenaline rush out of running after
\nchallenging office assignments that promise big bonuses.<\/p>\n
Every morning, the Hubby maps out the chores and lessons for
\nour teenage daughter, Sister (who is home-schooled) and takes
\nfive-year-old Baby to school to teach her and a bunch of other
\nkids there. He ensures that she eats her lunch, kisses her cuts
\nwhen she falls off her bike, plays with and reads to her, and
\nbrings her home.<\/p>\n
Every morning I rush after the bus that will take me to work.
\nAfter working productively for several hours, I rush home in time
\nto meet Baby from school. Not because I have to, given Hubby's
\ncompetence in childcare, but because I want to.<\/p>\n
As soon as I get home, I can be a mother again, with a job
\nthat I actually love even more, as it means I can then shower the
\nkids with kisses and scream at appropriate intervals (never at
\nthe same time, however). Hubby is then back in his \"fathering\"
\nmode: being the imam when we say our prayers, dealing with a
\ntough landlord and the local thugs who come to the door demanding
\n\"cigarette money\", as well as fixing electronic appliances and
\nfending off the boys with a crush on Sister.<\/p>\n
The beauty of this job division of ours is that it is carried
\nout willingly.<\/p>\n
For the first time in 16 years of his journalistic career, my
\nhusband recently became intentionally jobless. Starting out as a
\ncub reporter in a community magazine when he was still 16, he
\nbecame its chief editor three years ago. When his term ended
\nearlier this year, we decided that he should get a better job
\nteaching his own and other people's children, both at home and in
\nschool.<\/p>\n
Now he does not make as much money as he used to, but after
\nsome glitches in the initial phase of this new household
\nmanagement, it has ceased to matter. We are convinced that we are
\ngiving our daughters the best teacher in the world for them,
\nwhile enabling me to work more effectively now that I do not have
\nto worry about finding a good child-minder.<\/p>\n
By the way, Hubby may be more familiar with the stove at home,
\nbut regular sessions of martial arts have taught him how to break
\niron bars with one swipe of the side of his right palm, so there
\nis nothing sissy about him cooking spaghetti for Baby.<\/p>\n
Some people do frown at what is actually the perfect
\narrangement for us. It's at least for the time being, because
\nthere may come a time when we wish for different things.
\nFlexibility is the name of the game.<\/p>\n
After all, our aim is to simply pool our strengths together to
\ngive the children the best learning experience and family life
\npossible. For instance, Hubby speaks Arabic, knows the history of
\nIslam by heart and reads the Koran better, while I speak and
\nwrite better English, so it is clear who teaches what at home.<\/p>\n
To be sure, we get plenty of criticism from several quarters.
\nWhen I stood up and expressed support for a father to be involved
\nin child rearing and house chores as much as possible, my so-
\ncalled \"fundamentalist\" Muslim friends derided me for being a
\n\"feminist\".<\/p>\n
\"I do not wish you to write for my magazine because I do not
\nwant you to spread your feminist thinking to our readers,\"
\nsniffed one journalist friend.<\/p>\n
What stunned me, however, was the stance of some of my self-
\nproclaimed \"liberal\" Muslim friends.<\/p>\n
At a recent gathering, an executive of a large media outlet
\nincessantly complained about how after hours of hard work, she
\nstill had to rush home to care for her sick child, while her
\nhusband was able to keep on working unencumbered by such
\nobligations.<\/p>\n
Another friend, a writer, moaned about how no matter how high
\nthey have gone on the social and career ladder rungs, women were
\nstill expected to rush home to care for the children.<\/p>\n
\"That's not very fair, is it?\" the executive complained.<\/p>\n
The only male at the table laughed out loud.<\/p>\n
\"It's unfair but unfortunately that's the way it is. No matter
\nhow far you advance, you would still have to rush home and be
\nresponsible for child care,\" he said. \"Otherwise, you would be
\nhaunted by guilty feelings.\"<\/p>\n
He shrugged to display his powerlessness to change the
\nsituation, adding that he, too, still expected his wife to do all
\nthe mothering. Then he turned to me. \"Why do you rush home after
\nwork?\"<\/p>\n
\"For the thrill of it,\" I joked. \"Some people go to discos for
\nexcitement, I go home to my kids, who usually make me emit even
\nmore noises than any discos could. After yelling at your kid
\nbecause she poked a wooden stick into your floppy disk drive,
\nwhat other excitement would you need?\"<\/p>\n
Seriously though, why can't there be a third way? For
\ninstance, where men and women taking pleasure in child rearing
\nwithout really haggling over which tasks are male-oriented and
\nwhich are the domain of women? There are some prescribed
\nfathering and mothering roles, but they are not the whole story
\nof parenting!<\/p>\n
\"Don't tell me you do not feel guilty for going to work and
\nleaving your kids?\" my liberal friend insisted.<\/p>\n
\"Not really,\" I returned. \"The reason why I go to work is so I
\ncould go home and watch how my children light up when they open
\nthe door for me. Makes me feel heroic, you know. This is probably
\nthe reason why you men have been hogging the role for centuries!\"<\/p>\n
Mothering is not the only factor in child rearing, but
\nfathering is such an undeveloped concept in today's society.
\nIncessant discussions about sexual roles, however, can only do so
\nmuch. The beauty of job division in parenting is that both father
\nand mother should parent.<\/p>",
"url": "https:\/\/jawawa.id\/newsitem\/when-he-mothers-she-fathers-1447893297",
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