It was an ordinary train journey to work for Richard Jackson, a\nsenior UK government official. But, without realising it, he made the\nbiggest mistake of his life. When he understood what had happened, he\npanicked. It was too late.<\/p>\n
He had left highly classified documents on the train.<\/p>\n
The momentary mistake became national news and turned Jackson\u2019s life\nupside down. He was overwhelmed by shame and humiliation. Nearly 20\nyears later, Jackson recalls that dark day and its impact on his\nlife.<\/p>\n
Warning: This article contains references to suicide.<\/p>\n
Jackson shared his story with Dr Sian Williams on the BBC Radio 4\npodcast Life Changing. He says he is proof that people can recover and\nrebuild their lives, even after making the worst mistake of their\nlives.<\/p>\n
Before his life fell apart, 37-year-old Jackson was happy with his\nwife, Maddie, and his 15-year-old stepdaughter, Charlotte. His other\nstepdaughter, Becky, 20, was at university.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe were very happy,\u201d he said. \u201cBut at the time I was very focused on\nmy career. My self-esteem and sense of worth depended on my career, my\njob title, my position and my responsibilities.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor a while, I was working up to 100 hours a week,\u201d he said. \u201cI\ncould never really switch off from work.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jackson was then seconded from the UK Ministry of Defence to the\nCabinet Office, where he dealt with global terrorism. His role involved\nhandling live intelligence from GCHQ, MI5 and MI6, the UK\u2019s three\nintelligence agencies.<\/p>\n
On Monday evening, as he left his office in Whitehall, London, he\ntook a stack of forms home to complete as part of formalising his\nsecondment.<\/p>\n
At home, Jackson realised that two documents concerning highly\nsensitive matters were mixed in with the forms. Both were classified top\nsecret.<\/p>\n
Looking back, he says he should have contacted the Cabinet Office and\narranged for someone to retrieve the documents securely. But he admits\nthat his subsequent decision may have been driven by a desire to protect\nhimself.<\/p>\n
\u201cPerhaps if I could return the documents, nobody else would know,\u201d he\nsaid.<\/p>\n
Jackson put the confidential papers in a bright orange cardboard\nfolder. The next morning, while sitting on the train, he kept reminding\nhimself not to forget it.<\/p>\n
He got off the train and hurried to his office in Whitehall. But\nshortly afterwards, he realised that he had left the folder behind.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor a moment, it felt as though the world had stopped turning,\u201d he\nrecalled.<\/p>\n
Jackson then visited every station on the train\u2019s route to ask\nwhether anyone had handed in the missing folder. His search came to\nnothing.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was in an absolute panic. Everything felt chaotic; every movement\nwas jerky. I felt sick,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
He finally broke down when he met his wife, Maddie.<\/p>\n
\u201cI told her I had ruined our lives. She just held me. She said\neverything would be all right and that we would get through it\ntogether.\u201d<\/p>\n
The next day, when he arrived at work, Jackson learnt that the\ndocuments had been found and handed to the BBC.<\/p>\n
At first, he says, he was relieved that the papers had been recovered\nand were safe. But he soon realised that the case would now become\npublic.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat night, I was the lead story on the six o\u2019clock news. The\nMinistry also suspended me pending the outcome of an investigation,\u201d he\nsaid.<\/p>\n
Jackson shut himself away at home. One afternoon, Maddie found him\nsitting cross-legged on the sofa, sobbing.<\/p>\n
\u201cI spent that morning trying to work out how to end my life\npainlessly,\u201d he said. \u201cI often think about what might have happened if\nMaddie hadn\u2019t come home at lunchtime that day. But I suppose I\u2019ll never\nknow.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe spent that afternoon talking. I think that was the first time I\nthought, \u2018If I\u2019m going to get through this, I can\u2019t face it alone.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
The Cabinet Office concluded that Jackson\u2019s actions constituted gross\nmisconduct. He was demoted by three grades. Jackson was charged under\nthe Official Secrets Act, but avoided a prison sentence and was fined\n\u00a32,500 (equivalent to Rp60 million).<\/p>\n
Administratively, the case was over. But Jackson could not escape the\nshame, regret and humiliation that continued to haunt him.<\/p>\n
He says he gradually rebuilt his life thanks to the many people who\ncared about him and helped him recover.<\/p>\n
\u201cI did almost nothing myself to put things right. It was other people\nwho helped me recover,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
After returning to the Ministry of Defence to work in human\nresources, Jackson moved to the Department for Culture, Media and Sport\nto help prepare for the Olympics.<\/p>\n
He later left the civil service and worked for Samaritans, an\norganisation offering emotional support to people in crisis. He went on\nto lead a team of analysts examining global terrorism risks.<\/p>\n
In his spare time, he also began training as a life coach, helping\npeople develop and deal with life\u2019s challenges.<\/p>\n
After being made redundant, Jackson founded NewDay, a personal\ndevelopment training company. It helps people cope with the pressures of\nhandling material or information that can cause emotional distress.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can tell my story and give it meaning. There\u2019s a reason behind\nwhat I did,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
Jackson wants others to know that there is always a way to recover,\neven after making the biggest mistake of their lives.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou may be in a very bad situation, but you can still get back up\nand get through it. There are different ways to help yourself cope, and\nthere is also help you can get from other people.\u201d<\/p>\n
Asked whether he had forgiven himself, Jackson said he had not.\nNevertheless, he is happy again.<\/p>\n
His wife, Maddie, is also pleased that Jackson no longer works 100\nhours a week.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy life is no longer defined by my career, and now I can be more\npresent for my family at home,\u201d he said. \u201cI also appreciate much more\nhow lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life.\u201d<\/p>\n
Making a mistake? How to get back on your feet<\/strong><\/p>\n Richard Jackson shared several steps that helped him through\ntraumatic times in his life.<\/p>\n Talk about what is on your mind.<\/strong> When you are at a\nlow point, your thoughts can quickly move from \u201cI have made a big\nmistake\u201d to \u201cI am worthless\u201d. Writing them down or talking to someone\ncan help slow that process, giving you a chance to recognise that the\nconclusions in your mind may not make sense.<\/p>\n Keep doing things you enjoy.<\/strong> When you feel\nworthless, you may stop doing things that could make you feel better.\nIdentify those activities, whether going to the gym, reading a book or\ntaking a long walk, and make them a regular part of your life that you\ndo not neglect.<\/p>\n Remind yourself of your worth and achievements.<\/strong> \u201cI\nkeep a reminder board near my desk, with notes about things I have\nachieved and kind words other people have said to me,\u201d Jackson said.<\/p>\n For him, tangible reminders help confirm that he is not the mistake\nhe made. He is worth far more than that one error.<\/p>\n Find someone who will support you and be honest with\nyou.<\/strong> You need someone who will encourage you but also speak up\nwhen you start neglecting good habits. Choose someone who genuinely\nsupports you and wants the best for you.<\/p>\n Recognise what you can and cannot put right.<\/strong> If you\nhave hurt someone, take responsibility for your actions. Apologise and\nmake amends as far as you can. But do not take responsibility for things\nthat were never yours to answer for.<\/p>\n Do not let your worst moment define your whole life\nstory.<\/strong> You are not the mistake you made. You are still the same\nperson you were before it happened. And there is a future version of you\nthat you have not yet met\u2014someone who still has the chance to grow and\nlive differently.<\/p>",
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