Smacks may be necessary to educate children<\/p>\n
By Tri Hafiningsih<\/p>\n
Abuse or education? As the following interviews by The Jakarta
\nPost reporter Tri Harfiningsih show, the line of distinction
\nbetween the two is not always as easy to draw as it may seem.
\nYet, the question is worth pondering as Indonesia celebrates
\nNational Children's Day today.<\/p>\n
JAKARTA (JP): Physical punishments may give your children a
\nbetter understanding of what is good or bad, some parents say.<\/p>\n
Some pinches and smacks are often necessary to emphasize the
\nmeaning of the word \"no\", especially for small children.<\/p>\n
Tengku Malinda, a news-announcer at the TVRI state run
\ntelevision station and mother of two, says there are times she
\nmust lightly pinch her daughters' thighs when words no longer
\nwork.<\/p>\n
Physical punishments, however, should be applied only in
\n\"emergency situations\", said the 31-year-old mother of Sherrine,
\n10, and Shafti, 5, in an interview on Thursday.<\/p>\n
When a child plays with an electric socket or climbs to a high
\nwindow were her examples of when it is neccessary. At that very
\nmoment, when warnings are ignored and explanations are
\nimpossible, smacks sometimes work just fine.<\/p>\n
\"They don't know that it can harm them. It's better to make
\nthem afraid first,\" she said, adding that the child will
\nunderstand the danger of playing with electricity or climbing too
\nhigh as they grow older.<\/p>\n
For older children, pinches may be eliminated as parents are
\nable to explain the reasons they are not allowed to do certain
\nthings.<\/p>\n
\"Still, the traditional way works,\" Malinda said, laughing.<\/p>\n
She emphasized that such punishments should not in anyway
\nphysically hurt a child. \"It should be done without the mother
\nlosing control,\" she said, admitting it is often difficult to
\nstay calm while facing the yells and wails of a \"normally
\nstubborn\" child.<\/p>\n
Discipline<\/p>\n
Nanies, the mother of Nadia, 3, prefers light snaps on her
\ndaughter's palms or fingers as the last attempt to teach
\ndiscipline.<\/p>\n
\"It shocks her a little bit without really hurting her
\nphysically,\" she said<\/p>\n
She shares Malinda's opinion that physical punishments should
\nbe the last measure taken.<\/p>\n
The graduate of the School of Psychology at the University of
\nIndonesia, said that small children may not really understand
\nwords but they can \"read\" adults' reactions.<\/p>\n
\"I think Nadia understands she has done something wrong when I
\nwarn her by raising my voice, making it more firm and
\ndetermined,\" said Nanies, who had to literally sit and \"attend\"
\nthe nursery class with her daughter during Nadia's first week of
\nschool. She has applied her disciplinary measures since little
\nNadia was one year old.<\/p>\n
Another mother said that strict discipline, including physical
\npunishment, does not always work wonders.<\/p>\n
Isnaeni shared her experience of \"one of those days\" when her
\nson Wawan, now 18, was in fifth grade.<\/p>\n
\"As usual, I grumbled at him whenever he forgot to tidy up his
\nroom, or when he threw his shoes and bag away after school, or
\npiled up his dirty socks in the corner of his room. I snapped his
\nears whenever my nattering seemed to be 'gone with the wind' or
\nif he acted as if I wasn't there,\" she said.<\/p>\n
She said that the disciplinary measures had worked before, but
\nrealized something was wrong when Wawan started to do the
\nopposite of what he was told. \"He refused to have lunch with me
\nbut had his lunch when I had my afternoon nap. He just shrugged
\nhis shoulders whenever I asked why,\" Isnaeni said. This quiet
\nprotest went on for months.<\/p>\n
For years she had applied her \"standard\" method of teaching
\ndiscipline to Wawan and Tanti, 15. She used to wake the children
\nup around five o'clock in the morning, so they could be ready for
\nschool before six o clock or the family swimming session early
\nSunday mornings. The children attended Catholic schools, well
\nknown for their strict discipline, where being late is almost a
\nsin.<\/p>\n
\"I remember I had to carry the children from their beds to the
\ndining room, make them sit on their chairs, then hold their heads
\nup so they didn't fall back to sleep on their breakfast.
\nSometimes they cried a lot and I had to give them little smacks
\nto calm them down,\" she said, adding that she, however, kissed
\nthe children goodbye and walked them to the front porch every
\nschool day.<\/p>\n
The method seemed to work fine until Wawan reached his early
\nteens. \"Sometimes my son just avoided me the entire day,\" she
\nsaid.<\/p>\n
It took Isnaeni almost six months of regular visits to a
\npsychologist to realize that Wawan was \"tired\" of her method of
\ndiscipline.<\/p>\n
\"He finally admitted to me that he was practically sick of my
\nmorning complaints and snaps on the ear. He later teased me that
\nhe knew my morning grumbles almost by heart,\" she said. \"The
\npunishments didn't hurt him physically, but he said he was hurt
\ninside. He thought I would complain about everything he did
\nanyway.\"<\/p>\n
Father's way<\/p>\n
Tamin. a bajaj driver, claims that physical punishments can
\nbecome a bad habit.<\/p>\n
\"Parents think that their children will not be obedient
\nwithout spanking and smacking, while the children will understand
\nsomething is wrong only when they get hard smacks,\" said the 49-
\nyear-old father of six grown-up children, and a grandfather of
\nthree year old Rini.<\/p>\n
The elementary school drop-out said the hardest punishment he
\never gave his children was making them go to school without
\npocket money.<\/p>\n
\"Once my son, Ahmad, refused to go to school. So I told him
\nthat he would end up like his father, a bajaj driver, or even
\nworse. The advice really worked. He went back to school the next
\nday,\" said the proud father of Suminarsih, 23, Sunarti, 20,
\nYusmiati, 19, Ahmad Suryadi, 17, Sugandi, 13, and Satya Suryati,
\n12.<\/p>\n
Tamin's and his wife Saurah's three eldest girls are graduates
\nof an economics high school and work as clerks. Ahmad is in his
\nfirst year at a technical vocational school, Sugandi is in her
\nfirst year of junior high, and Satya, the youngest, is in the
\nsixth grade.<\/p>\n
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