`Mr. Moms', wives dealing with odd territory<\/p>\n
Bruce Emond, Contributor, Jakarta<\/p>\n
After 12 years shouldering the burden as the sole bread-winner in
\nher family, "Nita" committed a quiet act of rebellion.<\/p>\n
With her husband at home perfecting his Playstation skills in
\nbetween helping the housemaid care for their three young
\nchildren, she went out on payday and splurged on a new handbag,
\nspending most of her wages for the purchase.<\/p>\n
It was a reckless action, representing her accumulated anger
\nand frustration with her husband's lack of initiative to find
\nwork, as well as the pressure she felt to keep the family afloat
\nfinancially.<\/p>\n
Now, she literally and figuratively got to hold the purse-
\nstrings.<\/p>\n
"Everything came to a head when we went out of town for a
\nfamily gathering, and we suddenly realized we had no Pampers for
\nthe youngest one," the 36-year-old private company employee said.
\n"We were panicking and he looked at me as if it was all my fault,
\nlike 'why didn't you think of this?'<\/p>\n
"Enough was enough. Not only was I the one who had to support
\nthe family financially, but I also had to take care of the main
\nweekly shopping. And, if there was any problem with the kids at
\nschool, then it always came back to me as me being responsible."<\/p>\n
Nita's husband is not the equivalent of the stay-at-home or
\nhouse husbands by choice of the West or Japan (where a group of
\nthe men has even recorded an album of music together as part of
\ntheir "solidarity"). While it's often been easier for women to
\nfind work during tough times in Indonesia, men in the home were
\nusually exempted from household and child-care duties, either due
\nto the presence of domestic help or because the tasks were deemed
\n"women's work".<\/p>\n
The dynamics are shifting today. Younger, less compliant
\nhousehold workers are no longer likely to stay with one family
\nuntil their dying days, meaning that the sharing of household
\nresponsibilities among couples is often a necessity at some time
\nduring a relationship.<\/p>\n
Another factor was that the economic crisis that struck in
\n1997 suddenly threw many white-collar male workers out of work
\nand into the home. They found themselves out of their element,
\nremoved from the traditional male domain of the workplace and
\ndependent on their wives for financial support. Some experienced
\nfeelings of insecurity and confusion about the sudden reversal of
\ntheir role in the family, especially if they were raised in
\nfamilies where women were consigned domestic duties.<\/p>\n
Psychologist Ieda Poernomo Sigit Sidi defines two types of
\nhusbands in their view of household responsibilities.<\/p>\n
"The first does not see it as too much of a problem whoever
\nneeds to take care of domestic duties, but there are also the
\nones who consider being in the home to be taboo, and that it is
\nfor the wife to deal with. Their understanding of concept sharing
\nis still lacking," the specialist in marital counseling said.<\/p>\n
A better understanding of marriage as a partnership, instead
\nof a relationship of one partner being dominant over the other,
\nis needed in a changing world, Ieda added.<\/p>\n
"In the 1970s and before, the wife was in the domestic
\nposition, the husband went out to work. From the 1980s on, it's
\nnot so clearly defined. For the past 30 years, we have been
\nexperiencing a transition period in our norms, with such (great)
\nchanges in the family in the last 10 years. Now, it's time to
\ndefine the family for the 21st century ... it's not the same as
\nfor our parents, and certainly not like for our grandparents,"
\nshe said.<\/p>\n
While societal attitudes may be changing gradually, close-knit
\nfamilies still hold sway. Couples still not only have to deal
\nwith their own insecurities in a changed marital situation, but
\nalso the disapproving opinions of family and the community around
\nthem.<\/p>\n
Family ties were an issue for "Susy", an executive at an event
\norganizer, when her husband's computer dealership went bankrupt
\nduring the crisis.<\/p>\n
"I deliberately avoided telling them at first, not because of
\nshame but because I didn't want them to worry or lose their
\nrespect for my husband," said the mother of two sons.<\/p>\n
Ieda acknowledged it was difficult to face up to family
\npressure, saying that couples needed to establish and commit to a
\nshared identity and values at the core of their relationship,
\nwith their extended family and society encircling it but taking
\nroles of lesser importance.<\/p>\n
"It's about unity as a family today. People cannot be passive
\nin their roles, or put a burden on others, but they have to have
\na compact relationship. It's a process of maturity in realizing
\nthat the relationship is not decided on who gives what, but on
\nthe shared commitment," said Ieda, who recommends that all
\ncouples undergo pre-marital counseling.<\/p>\n
"That's why the role of the wife is very important. If she
\ntells the family, 'we're OK, we didn't expect this but we're
\ncoping with it', then that should be enough."<\/p>\n
Susy's husband, "Iwan", initially dealt with his own confusion
\nby partying until late with friends or even speeding in his car,
\n"because he told me he needed to be recognized, too", Susy
\nrecollected. "My husband possesses a strong character, and I knew
\nI had to be water to his fire ... we communicated our feelings
\nthrough notes to each other."<\/p>\n
After the initial difficulties of adjustment, Susy and Iwan
\nsaid they learned a lot about themselves and their relationship
\nthrough patience and understanding.<\/p>\n
Iwan said he gained newfound respect for what it takes to run
\na household.<\/p>\n
"Of course, the one thing I can never do like my wife is have
\nkids, but I'm picking up my sons, cooking for them, helping them
\nwith their homework, which my own father would never have done."<\/p>\n
Aside from the reactions of the extended family, children are
\nanother important part of the equation in how they accept their
\nfather in the home.<\/p>\n
Both Nita and Susy said that their children sometimes
\nexpressed confusion and unease with the situation. One of Nita's
\nsons, for example, asked his father to buy him a toy, "but to
\nplease use your own money, instead of always using mom's".<\/p>\n
Ieda cautioned parents to be particularly careful in how they
\nexpress their feelings about their spouse to young,
\nimpressionable children.<\/p>\n
"Even if a mother is frustrated with her situation, she must
\nnever express it in insults to her husband," she said. "Kids
\nrecord to memory everything that is going on around them, and,
\nespecially for boys, such a situation would affect their
\nrelationships with their wives later on.<\/p>\n
"If they've seen their own mother's frustration, then they'll
\nprobably try to keep their wives in the home out of fear of
\nhaving the same thing happen to them."<\/p>\n
With a foundation of trust, honesty and security about their
\nfamily, including using religious teachings to instill an
\nunderstanding of the sanctity of marriage as a partnership,
\nchildren should be able to weather the cruelest taunts, Ieda
\nsaid.<\/p>\n
"If another child says to them, `Your dad should be wearing a
\nskirt like all the mothers picking up their kids', children who
\nhave an understanding of their family's position won't be
\naffected by it," she added.<\/p>",
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