'Lebaran': A time to build and revive friendship<\/p>\n
By Santi W.E. Soekanto<\/p>\n
JAKARTA (JP): For many people, Lebaran, a holiday which marks
\nthe end of the fasting month of Ramadhan, is mainly about
\nforgiveness and friendship.<\/p>\n
Moslems here cherish the day for its religious significance,
\nand see it as a time for relief and spiritual liberation after a
\nmonth of self-denial and purification.<\/p>\n
This condition then enables them to \"advance\" and help others
\nachieve similar liberation; thus, they forgive and seek
\nforgiveness in the traditional rite of halal bihalal.<\/p>\n
Still other Moslems see it as the best time to show love for a
\nbeloved, and to revive familial relationships and friendships.<\/p>\n
As the Koran points out, innamal mu'minuuna ihwah or \"the
\nbelievers are but a single brotherhood,\" (Sura Al Hujurat 49;10).
\nLebaran, popularly known also as Idul Fitri, is indeed the best
\ntime to contemplate on friendship.<\/p>\n
For busy Jakartans, especially those trapped in the
\nprofessional rat-race, this should also be a good time to pause
\nand even redefine what friendship is.<\/p>\n
It's no secret that many adults, after they become engaged in
\nvarious competitions, forget what it's like to have close
\nfriends.<\/p>\n
We pigeonhole the people we encounter into distant colleagues,
\nstiff competitors, mere acquaintances and people who can help us
\nget ahead.<\/p>\n
But we forget about friends, much less best friends.<\/p>\n
Cahyono, an engineer who has been working in an environmental
\nassessment agency for seven years, took a long time to digest the
\nquestion \"who's your best friend now?\"<\/p>\n
\"There's Luki, a fellow engineer. We go on assignments
\ntogether,\" Cahyono explained. He was stupefied, however, when
\nasked to describe his friendship with Luki.<\/p>\n
The two men have never engaged in light banter, never back-
\nslapped, or even gone to a football game together. They are
\nusually restricted to discussions about the office.<\/p>\n
For people who think that gender is the reason why Cahyono
\ncould not describe any emotional exchange going on between him
\nand his supposed best friend, there's Runi.<\/p>\n
The legal officer of a major holding company in Jakarta
\nadmitted she left behind warm, friendly girl talks and close
\nfriends, when she left college.<\/p>\n
\"I used to have this best friend, who cried with me every time
\nI hurt...now, I'm afraid of being that close to people because I
\ndon't want them to see that I have weaknesses,\" she said.<\/p>\n
\"I can't break down in front of someone at work, no matter how
\nlong we have been working together,\" she said. \"That would amount
\nto career suicide.\"<\/p>\n
So Runi endures self-imposed loneliness and alienation because
\nshe can't risk opening up and being vulnerable.<\/p>\n
This Lebaran, however, Runi plans to visit her former best
\nfriend and to find out whether they can revive their friendship,
\ndespite changes brought about by growth and development.<\/p>\n
Pillars of friendship<\/p>\n
Many experts have recognized gender differences in a person's
\nexperience of friendship. Studies found that men's friendship
\nmore commonly tend to be \"thing\" or \"activity-oriented\", built
\naround doing things together.<\/p>\n
Friendship between women, in contrast, involves more
\naffectionate behavior and more disclosure of confidences. They
\nare more \"person-oriented\".<\/p>\n
But why limit ourselves? Regardless of our sex, every one of
\nus should be able to experience the rich, satisfying friendship
\nat any stage of our life.<\/p>\n
Most experts pointed out that certain factors or needs are
\nbasic to our functioning if we are to achieve mental and
\nemotional good health. They form some of the pillars of
\nfriendship, and friends can help each other achieve these basic
\nneeds.<\/p>\n
* The first need is acceptance. In order to have good self-
\nesteem and function well, we must first accept ourselves as we
\nare, not as we think we should be.<\/p>\n
It also involves loving ourselves unconditionally. If we are
\nto grow and move toward reaching our potential as human beings,
\nthen unconditional love is essential.<\/p>\n
While we need to accept ourselves \"warts and all\", we need to
\nalso have that kind of acceptance from our friend. In addition,
\nwe also need to ask ourselves, how well do we accept our friend?
\nHow well do we encourage our friend to accept himself?<\/p>\n
* The second need is affirmation. It is a means of building
\nourselves up in a constructive way, and giving ourselves positive
\ninput. We must first accept and then affirm ourselves, thus
\nundoing a lot of damage we have accumulated through life.<\/p>\n
By being positive we can begin to feel differently about
\nourselves and begin to act differently. We can then help our
\nfriend to progress too.<\/p>\n
* The third need is appreciation. Boy, do we need to be
\nappreciated!<\/p>\n
Each one of us needs to learn to appreciate all the positive
\nqualities, gifts, strengths and inner resources we have. \"To
\nacknowledge a strength is to give ourselves permission to use it,
\nand ultimately to make it grow,\" a writer once said.<\/p>\n
Appreciation of oneself and other people leads to a deeper
\nappreciation of life itself, including the universe and all that
\nit contains. So, how much do we appreciate ourselves and our
\nfriends?<\/p>\n
* The fourth pillar is attitude which helps to shape feelings
\nand actions.<\/p>\n
Remember the story of two people with a glass which is either
\n\"half empty\" or \"half full\"? A positive attitude leads to
\nconstructive actions, and worrying is replaced by \"a problem to
\nbe solved\". Difficulties become \"challenges to be overcome\",
\nfailures become \"growth steps to learn from\" and life itself
\nbecomes \"a source of never-ending chances to reach one's
\npotential\".<\/p>\n
What is our attitude toward our friend? Is it positive? Do we
\ncreate the right climate in our friendship in which it is easy
\nfor our friend to have a positive attitude?<\/p>\n
Listening<\/p>\n
The need for friends to listen to one another is very
\nimportant. Writer Michael Ende, who is famous for his book The
\nNeverending Story, wrote in another book of his, Momo, about the
\nbeauty of a person's listening skills.<\/p>\n
Ende's Momo is a small vagrant who suddenly appeared in a
\ndeserted amphitheater and soon became the center of the village's
\nlife because she listened when most people rushed in and only
\nwanted to talk.<\/p>\n
She listens so carefully that she can hear the songs of the
\nsky, the chimes of the bell of \"time\", and the seemingly
\nmeaningless babbles of babies and old people.<\/p>\n
She once even made a bird, which had been silent for weeks,
\nsing again simply by sitting next to its cage while listening to
\nits silence.<\/p>\n
Momo, the paragon of life's supreme values, is rich because
\nshe has time to patiently explore all the richness of life
\ntogether with her friends.<\/p>\n
In this hectic life, we don't have enough time to listen to
\neveryone's sorrow and misery, and share their laughter and
\nhappiness.<\/p>\n
But a friend deserves just that from us this, and we deserve
\nit from a friend.<\/p>\n
Santi W.E. Soekanto is a graduate of the School of Psychology,
\nUniversity of Indonesia.<\/p>",
"url": "https:\/\/jawawa.id\/newsitem\/lebaran-a-time-to-build-and-revive-friendship-1447893297",
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