Jealousy and insecurity the seed of in-law conflicts<\/p>\n
By Maria Endah Hulupi<\/p>\n
JAKARTA (JP): Lydia and Agnes have something in common: both
\nare married and each has a child. The difference is that Agnes is
\nhappily married, while Lydia is in the process of having a
\ndivorce.<\/p>\n
Lydia's relationship with her mother-in-law is problematic.
\nAfter she married Mardi six years ago, she agreed to his request
\nto move in to his mother's house because the latter was old and
\nlonely. Lydia tried to adjust herself to her mother-in-law's
\nstandards and rules and respect her, the way Mardi does.<\/p>\n
But as the years went by, Lydia started to feel that she was
\nno longer wanted in the family as Mardi would only listen to what
\nhis mother said, including advice on how to raise their son. She
\ntried to convince Mardi to move out. He refused, and as usual,
\nasked her to understand his mother's dominant character.<\/p>\n
Six months ago, when her own mother was sick, Lydia, the
\nyoungest and the only daughter in the family, decided to move to
\nher house so that she could take care of her. Her husband later
\ndecided to divorce her because he thought Lydia had left him.<\/p>\n
A marriage consultant and psychologist Ieda Poernomo Sigit
\nSidi said that husband and wife problems would not emerge if the
\ncouple succeeded in creating openness and making their marriage
\ntheir priority. This would make the couple stick together in
\norder to do things together, especially in defining their goals
\nand setting clear plans and targets for their own happiness.<\/p>\n
\"That way their marriage would not be easily interfered with
\nby other family members which would jeopardize their marriage,\"
\nshe said at her clinic in Cempaka Putih area, Central Jakarta.<\/p>\n
A daughter-in-law might not get along well with the mother-in
\n-law, but there are others who don't have any problem with their
\nin-laws.<\/p>\n
Ieda said that the seeds of a problematic relationship between
\nmother and daughter-in-laws is deeply rooted in a society with a
\nprevailing perception that the two would have difficulties in
\nestablishing a smooth relationship.<\/p>\n
\"Based on that negative perception, many mothers adopt a
\nbiased assessment of her daughter in-law and vice versa,\" she
\nsaid.<\/p>\n
She pointed out that such a problem is rarely found in father
\nand son-in-law relationships as a father would have different
\nconcerns or expectations of his son-in-law.<\/p>\n
\"A father is usually protective towards his daughter and he
\nwould not have problems in entrusting his daughter to his son-in
\n-law if he could take good care of her and make her happy.\"<\/p>\n
Insecurity<\/p>\n
The psychologist said the core problem in tense relationships
\nis the feeling of insecurity, which lead to a sort of hidden
\ncompetition between mother and daughter-in-law to win the
\naffection of her son or husband.<\/p>\n
\"It is a pity if this situation further develops as both women
\nlove the same man in a different way and they could be happy
\ntogether. But sadly, many people don't understand this.<\/p>\n
\"Both women do not communicate with each other. They only
\nexpress jealousy if they think that the man they deeply care
\nabout, favors one of them,\" she said.<\/p>\n
They do not realize that they have placed their husband or son
\nin a difficult position as he has to choose. This prolonged
\ncompetition could make many marriages end in divorce even though
\nthe couple still love each other.<\/p>\n
Ieda underlined that a mother who fails to mentally prepare
\nherself to cope with her son's growing phases, is likely to have
\nsuch a feeling of insecurity.<\/p>\n
\"Being a mother, a woman should understand that her job is to
\nfoster and educate her son, to give him wisdom and prepare him to
\nbe a good leader for his future family. While she prepares
\nherself to face the fact that her beloved son will someday
\n'leave' her to build his own family with the woman he loves.\"<\/p>\n
A mothers' over-protective attitude, especially after their
\nson has grown up, will, in turn, become a nuisance and could be
\ninterpreted as an interference.<\/p>\n
\"Such an attitude will not help her son in his struggle to
\nbecome independent,\" she said.<\/p>\n
Many issues could emerge and worsen the relationship between
\nthese two competing women, from the color of the kitchen walls
\nand from financial matters to good parental standards. The birth
\nof a grandchild, is also one of these issues.<\/p>\n
Parents and grand parents adopt different approaches in
\nfostering and educating a child, because parents greet their new-
\nborn child with mixed feelings of happiness and the anticipation
\nof the daunting new responsibility, while grandparents greet a
\ngrand child with the excitement of a new \"living toy\" to play
\nwith.<\/p>\n
However, efforts to improve their relationship could be
\nstarted by adopting an empathetic attitude, in which the two
\nwomen portray themselves in each other's position to better
\nunderstand each others feelings.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, the father in-law and the husband should have the
\nwisdom to draw the line between their beloved wives to ease the
\ntense relationship.<\/p>\n
\"A father should tell his wife that she should no longer
\ninterfere with their son's marriage or tell him what to do. Her
\nrole in fostering their son is over and she should let their
\ndaughter-in-law take care of him like she took care of him,\" she
\nsaid.<\/p>\n
The son needs to express his love and respect to his mother
\nand become a warm loving husband to his wife. He needs to
\nintroduce his mother's character to his wife and his wife's to
\nhis mother. The role can only be performed with love, tact and
\nwisdom, she added.<\/p>\n
What make things worse is if the husband idolizes his mother
\nand makes his wife imitate his mother or sets his mother's
\nstandards to his wife.<\/p>\n
\"It's not fair. Nobody could stand such a treatment as
\neverybody wants to grow up being themselves,\" Ieda said.<\/p>\n
That's why, she added, the couple need to know each other well
\nand that a daughter-in-law has to prepare herself mentally and
\nunderstand her new role to fit her husband's position in his
\nfamily, such as an heir to his family's business or as financial
\nsupport, among other things.<\/p>\n
\"It is necessary as her husband was brought up to fulfill
\nthose expectations,\" she added.<\/p>\n
When it concerns the interest of other members of family, Ieda
\nstressed that establishing good communication is imperative to
\ncreate oneness so the couple could understand their thoughts,
\nhopes, feelings and expectations.<\/p>\n
\"This is a precious value that has been missing from society
\nand in TV programs, like sinetron (local soaps) that have been
\nexploiting miserable relationships between mothers and daughter-
\nin-laws and yet failed to disperse any meaningful educative
\nvalues,\" she said.<\/p>",
"url": "https:\/\/jawawa.id\/newsitem\/jealousy-and-insecurity-the-seed-of-in-law-conflicts-1447893297",
"image": ""
},
"sponsor": "Okusi Associates",
"sponsor_url": "https:\/\/okusiassociates.com"
}