How to be a Balinese yuppy: A practical, 12-step handbook<\/p>\n
By Degung Santikarma<\/p>\n
DENPASAR (JP): Clothes are crucial, and the key word is \"neo-
\ncolonial\". Jeans are out. Gently faded khakis are in. T-shirts
\nwith English-language slogans are definitely out. Subdued batik
\nshirts, linen and short pants with extra pockets for your cell
\nphone are all good choices. Glasses, whether you need them or
\nnot, are a vital accessory. Long hair is too subversive. After
\nall, you are trying to get ahead, not get your head kicked in at
\na demonstration.<\/p>\n
It is important to always have an opinion on current events.
\nIf you do not have any opinions of your own, the following sound
\nbites will work in almost any situation: \"We need to return Bali
\nto the Balinese,\" \"we must empower Balinese tradition to face
\nglobalization,\" or, if these don't work, \"I think the caffe latte
\nis much better at the Nusa Dua Galleria than in Ubud\".<\/p>\n
All true Balinese yuppies support the arts. There are several
\nways to do this. The best strategy, of course, is to open your
\nown gallery. If you cannot afford that, you must become an artist
\nyourself. Painting, architecture, landscaping, photography or
\ngraphic design are all acceptable creative pursuits. And don't
\nworry if you have no talent.<\/p>\n
If your artworks are terrible, just explain that you are
\n\"transcending the archaic limits of the aesthetic to explore art
\nas a meditative methodology\". Don't worry if no one understands;
\nthey will admire you more for it.<\/p>\n
It is important to express solidarity with the oppressed. You
\ncan do this by joining the board of an NGO or attending a
\nfundraiser, preferably one that has a high percentage of other
\nwould-be yuppies involved or that will get your picture in the
\npaper. Don't take it too far. Your NGO of choice should be run by
\nshort-haired people. And remember, while it's OK to talk about
\n\"empowering villagers\", promoting \"participatory development\" or
\nhelping out the poor, this does not mean that you should let your
\nchildren go to school with them. And speaking of children, if you
\nhave them, leave them at home. They will just speak English
\nbetter than you and make you look bad.<\/p>\n
As an authentic Balinese, you should not forget your social
\nand religious heritage. You must do your part to \"preserve
\nBalinese culture\", and that means attending rituals. This doesn't
\nhowever, mean that you can slack off on your commitment to style.
\nReal Balinese yuppies never wear those ceremonial jackets that
\nlook like dentists' uniforms; they wear antique sarongs and linen
\nshirts.<\/p>\n
You should also be aware that not all culture is good culture.
\nAttend too many meetings of your local banjar and people might
\nthink you cannot afford to pay someone to take your place. You
\nshould know that falling victim to black magic is also in bad
\ntaste. Meditation, yoga and midnight temple runs are, on the
\nother hand, the height of chic.<\/p>\n
A well-developed sense of nostalgia is crucial as part of your
\nresponsibility to safeguard Balinese culture from the ravages of
\nmodernity. You can do your bit by buying as many \"antiques\" as
\nyour house can hold. Be careful with your history. Don't ask your
\ngrandmother to do your authentic interiors, or you will end up
\nwith pigs and ducks in your living room and a huge spittoon by
\nyour bed. And don't go back to your original village any more
\nthan absolutely necessary, or you will find all your poor
\nrelations asking you for jobs.<\/p>\n
Remember, you are what you drive. If you have the money, buy a
\nToyota Land Cruiser (if people ask you why you need such an
\nexpensive car, say it makes the drive to Besakih Temple so much
\neasier). If you cannot afford this, buy an antique Mercedes or a
\nreconditioned VW Bug. For weekends, buy a Harley-Davidson or, if
\nthat is out of your range, an old Vespa scooter for the Euro-Bali
\nlook. Under no circumstances should you be caught dead on a Honda
\nbebek motorbike.<\/p>\n
Self-promotion is crucial. Writing for the local paper is
\ngood, writing your own book (about culture, not politics) is
\nbetter. Put your writing on your own Web site, and then have your
\nInternet address printed on your business cards. If you can't
\nwrite, pay someone to do it for you, or convince local
\njournalists by whatever means necessary to quote you repeatedly.<\/p>\n
Forget the traditional Balinese custom of taking your rice
\ninto the corner and eating alone. You should try to do as much of
\nyour consuming in public as possible, with your cell phone always
\nlaid on the table so people can see you are expecting the
\njournalists to call and ask you for a quote. If this presents a
\nfinancial hardship, remember the nostalgia principle. When the
\nfine French wine is too dear or the pasta too pricey, order a
\nviolently colored cendol or soda gembira with your vegetarian
\nnasi campur, and say you're craving the authentic tastes of your
\nchildhood.<\/p>\n
You should be Westernized, but not look like you're trying too
\nhard. Good English is essential, as is a subscription to The
\nJakarta Post. But you need to remember to take your
\ncosmopolitanism for granted as part of your birthright as a
\nBalinese. That means no calling out \"hello tourist\" or \"hey
\nmister\", no matter how tempting it may seem.<\/p>\n
In fact, you should stay as far away from Kuta Beach as
\npossible. Any foreign friend should be strategically chosen, and
\nshould preferably have either a Ph.D., a very successful import-
\nexport business or credentials as a writer or artist. You should
\nstrive to make people believe that your first words as a child
\nwere \"professionalism\", \"empowerment\" and \"networking\". Foreign
\nspouses are fine, as long as they do not deplete your
\nclothes\/car\/entertainment budget on such trivialities as health
\ninsurance, toilet paper and imported cheese, or expect you to
\nstay at home and talk when you could be networking.<\/p>\n
Be your own tourist. Demonstrate to the world that Balinese
\ncan play the part of guest as well as host. If you can afford it,
\ngo to Paris, New York or India. If your funds are stretched, go
\nto Singapore. If you cannot afford to go overseas, say you are
\ntoo busy trying to improve society and\/or working on your latest
\nbook\/painting\/land deal to travel right now.<\/p>\n
An appropriate attitude toward gender is essential. Talk about
\n\"gender sensitivity\" and \"women's equality\" in public, but leave
\nyour wife at home. Someone needs to support your expensive
\nlifestyle. Besides, she would feel left out, for all true
\nBalinese yuppies are male. If you are a woman reading this,
\nsorry. You could always try moving to Jakarta.<\/p>",
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