Doing it right in helping the bereaved<\/p>\n
JAKARTA (JP): How do you console a person grieving the death
\nof a loved one? You may think the answer is simple -- after all,
\nyou've seen people offering their condolences to the bereaved, or
\nmay have done so yourself.<\/p>\n
Beware, however, because instead of comforting them, you may
\nincrease their pain.<\/p>\n
According to counselor Liena Suwito, the most common mistake
\nis thinking that bereaved individuals need more support during
\nthe funeral or burial services than afterwards. While financial
\nand material assistance may be more useful at this stage,
\nconsoling them and moral support is most needed when the hustle
\nand bustle of the funeral is over.<\/p>\n
"The time when the bereaved is busy arranging the funeral is
\noften a period of numbness. He or she is still in a state of
\nshock or disbelief and has not entered the real grieving state,"
\nshe said.<\/p>\n
"Numbness may also arise from the need to look and act strong,
\nwhich the bereaved may think is necessary, at least for a short
\nwhile, to survive those hectic days of arranging the funeral and
\nother ceremonies. They can temporarily 'forget' their grief
\nduring this stage."<\/p>\n
After the burial and associated ceremonies are over, however,
\na feeling of emptiness sets in.<\/p>\n
In the following days, weeks and months, the bereaved must
\nfinally face the everyday reality of no longer having the
\ndeceased around.<\/p>\n
Experts agree that in most cases the presence of other people
\ntends to lend moral support and strength to bereaved individuals.<\/p>\n
But there are times when grieving people prefer to be alone.<\/p>\n
Psychologist Monty P. Satiadarma said these include instances
\nwhen others try to show too much concern, causing the bereaved to
\nfeel more depressed or when friends and relatives display
\nsuperficial concern.<\/p>\n
Here are some do's and don'ts from counselors for consoling
\npeople grieving the death of a loved one:<\/p>\n
* Do be empathetic. Try to feel what he\/she feels, together.<\/p>\n
*Do be a good listener and don't talk too much. At this moment,
\nyour words are not needed as much as your ears and heart. If you
\nfeel like you have to say something, ask questions that are
\nlikely to help the person share his\/her feelings, like: "How do
\nyou feel? It's sad that you must now eat alone when usually you
\nhad him\/her (the deceased) at the table to keep you company." Try
\nas much as possible to let him\/her lead the direction of the
\nconversation.<\/p>\n
* Don't counter or interrupt if the person cries, becomes bitter
\nor angry during the process of sharing. Long pauses (lasting a
\nminute or two) are common and should not necessarily be seen as a
\nchance for you to say something. You do not have to fill the
\nsilences.<\/p>\n
* Don't worry if for some time he\/she wants to keep talking about
\nthe deceased or cherished things left behind. Avoiding
\nconversation about the deceased, the death or diverting attention
\nto other issues is painful for the bereaved, who sees the death
\nas the paramount topic at that moment.<\/p>\n
* Don't give unwanted suggestions or advice, such as telling the
\nbereaved to "forget the past" by attending a party or visiting a
\nlocal night club. Let such suggestions come from, and decisions
\nmade by, the bereaved. Give the message that you will be there
\nwith a lending ear and presence when he\/she needs you.<\/p>\n
* Don't pretend or act sad by showing more tears. It's fine to
\ncry along with the bereaved if you're comfortable with that, but
\ndoing so excessively does not help the bereaved. It may in fact
\ndeepen his\/her feeling of loss -- and in some cases increase a
\nfeeling of guilt.<\/p>\n
* Do be careful with what you say. Don't say things like "don't
\ncry", "don't be sad" or "don't think about it, leave the past
\nbehind". It will make the bereaved deny the reality of the
\nsituation and see you as insensitive.<\/p>\n
* Several weeks after the death, do ask the bereaved whether
\nhe\/she would like to be on the "giving" side of consolation
\ninstead of the receiving end. For instance, ask if he\/she wants
\nto join visits to other families who are grieving or suffering.
\nThis way, without words, you are getting him\/her back to "normal
\nlife", which involves receiving and giving. If the grieving
\nperson prefers not to join, don't force the issue. Try another
\ntime.<\/p>\n
* Do involve clerics or religious leaders (preferably those
\ntrained in grief counseling) in the healing process. They are a
\nsource of moral support, particularly when discussing
\nspirituality and topics like sin and guilt which may linger after
\nthe death. A priest may help the bereaved in alleviating these
\nfeelings.<\/p>\n
* For young children who have lost a close family member, death
\ncan be confusing. Do explain what is happening or why the family
\nmember has died in one simple sentence. A young child will be
\nsatisfied if you simply say: "Father died because of cancer\/a car
\naccident." Save explanations on how father has "gone to heaven"
\nor how "God has taken father" for later, when the child is old
\nenough to understand.<\/p>\n
In any case, answer the child's question -- even "I don't
\nknow" will do. Not answering questions will bring out his\/her
\ncuriosity and the child may even think it's wrong to ask, which
\nmay increase feelings of guilt -- if they already exist -- and
\nconfusion. (Prapti Widinugraheni)<\/p>",
"url": "https:\/\/jawawa.id\/newsitem\/doing-it-right-in-helping-the-bereaved-1447893297",
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