Alone in the crowd<\/p>\n
Sri Mulyanti Goenawan<\/p>\n
I have lived here for three months now and I suppose I should be
\nable to "fit in", make friends, have a social life, be "one of
\nthe crowd".<\/p>\n
Somehow, I just cannot find my way. Jakarta, the big capital
\ncity, is the place I had to come to to work. To fulfill my
\nambitions, or rather the ambitions of my family, it was
\ninevitable that Jakarta was where I would end up to pursue a
\ncareer in banking after graduating. I am working here but I am
\ndefinitely not living here; I only simply exist.<\/p>\n
When I first arrived, like so many others, I was filled with
\nwonder at the skyscrapers that line Jl. Sudirman and Jl. Thamrin.
\nI could hardly believe that I was going to work inside one of
\nthese monumental buildings.<\/p>\n
With its marbled floors and glass-paneling all around, I felt
\nhonored just to be able to say that such a building was my place
\nof work. It was like working inside a palace but I soon found out
\nthat I was not to be a princess inside a palace.<\/p>\n
My work colleagues were friendly. They helped me settle in and
\nfind out about where to go and what to do in the office. Soon I
\nfound I had a friend in my immediate supervisor. During the day,
\nhe would often visit me at my desk, ask me how things were. But
\nmy colleagues told me to be careful with him and I wondered what
\nthey meant, but when I asked them they only giggled.<\/p>\n
After about two months working at the bank my supervisor came
\nto me during a lunch break and invited me to join him for dinner
\nat a restaurant at a nearby hotel. In my innocence I accepted, I
\nhad never been to a dim sum restaurant and was intrigued to find
\nout what it would be like.<\/p>\n
We made our appointment for a couple of days later and I have
\nto say I was really looking forward to it. But somehow it seemed
\nto me that he was not because he told me not to tell anybody
\nabout it.<\/p>\n
The day came for our dinner. As I robotically went through the
\nmotions of the day's work, my only thought was of finally having
\nan evening out with someone. My work colleagues were friendly but
\nthey never invited me out with them.<\/p>\n
He told me to meet him in the lobby of the building, which I
\nthought was strange. Why would we not just leave the office
\ntogether, at the same time?<\/p>\n
We met in the lobby and got into a taxi, not at the car call
\nas I expected but out on the street in front of the building. It
\nwas only a short ride to the restaurant but he seemed distracted,
\nconstantly looking through the taxi's windows as if he was
\nwatching for someone.<\/p>\n
As we neared the restaurant, he seemed to relax and started to
\nchat. This continued in the restaurant as he began to ask me
\nabout my family and hometown. This was the first time since I
\ncame to Jakarta that anyone had shown a genuine interest in me,
\nwho I was and what I cared about. The meal was not really to my
\nliking, the food seemed dull and the waiters arrogant, and sadly
\nas the meal progressed I found that the conversation was not to
\nmy liking either.<\/p>\n
He began to ask about boyfriends and if I was seeing anybody.
\nAs we finished our food he moved from across the table to sit
\nnext to me in the booth. I began to feel increasingly
\nuncomfortable as he tried to get more comfortable with me.<\/p>\n
Eventually he placed his left hand on my thigh but it was too
\nmuch for me. I told him to take his hand away and go back to the
\nseat on the opposite side of the table. He refused and pushed
\ncloser to me. He obviously thought that I was shy and innocent
\nand ready to give him whatever he wanted. I refused.<\/p>\n
By now he was angry but I was too. He still refused to return
\nto his seat. Without hesitation, I took a glass from the table
\nand told him I would hit him with it and scream that he was
\nattacking me. The thought of being hit with a glass may have been
\nenough to make him stop, but I think it was more the thought of
\nthe potential public humiliation of my screams of accusation that
\nforced him from me.<\/p>\n
He went back to his seat and stayed there long enough to tell
\nme that I would regret rejecting him. He paid the bill and left,
\nand I breathed a sigh of relief but wondered what he meant with
\nhis warning. It soon became clear what he meant.<\/p>\n
He began to spread rumors throughout the office that I had
\nslept with him. That I had asked him to go with him and that
\nafter "having my fun", I had rejected him and cast him aside. He
\ntold the entire office that I was someone that loved one-night
\nstands. I was suddenly a slut in the eyes of my colleagues.<\/p>\n
I could not believe it! These same people had told me to watch
\nout for him but now they were accusing me. It became more and
\nmore clear that their initial friendliness was just a mask, a
\nmasquerade. They loved the opportunity to gossip about me.<\/p>\n
But what do I care? I know the truth and I know that I did the
\nright thing. This world, this city, is big enough for me to
\nsurvive despite their sneering gossiping. I know that I stood up
\nfor myself and I stuck to good principles. I am proud to be who I
\nam and if that means I must be alone and independent then so be
\nit.<\/p>\n
Maybe I should try to be part of the crowd. Maybe I should let
\npeople take advantage of me and do whatever they want to just so
\nthat I can get by with them. But no! This would not be right and
\npeople must not let this happen.<\/p>\n
If it means that we must be alone in the crowd, then so be it.
\nI will stand by my principles and the more people that do, and
\nwill not be compromised, the better we will all be.<\/p>\n
Maybe the residents of the big city do not expect this of a
\nsimple, small town village girl but maybe the big city, and its
\ndwellers, needs to change. I may be alone but I am not really
\nsad. I am thoughtful and strong, and stronger because of this.<\/p>",
"url": "https:\/\/jawawa.id\/newsitem\/alone-in-the-crowd-1447893297",
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