30+ single women face old bias<\/p>\n
By Christiani Tumelap<\/p>\n
JAKARTA (JP): A woman over 30 years of age with a good career,
\ngreat salary and still single -- is it cool or scary to you?<\/p>\n
Some would say cool, as long as she heads down the aisle
\nbefore passing 40.<\/p>\n
Others might roar "scaaary", and be just as likely to start
\nquestioning her sexual orientation.<\/p>\n
Being a single woman with a bright career at a foreign company
\nand a fat pay check has not always been a rosy experience for
\nRosa Diah, 36.<\/p>\n
She says that apart from the money, self-fulfillment and
\nfreedom, there has also been society's criticism and suspicion of
\nwhy she remains single.<\/p>\n
"I got really fed up with people questioning my prolonged
\nsingleness. It's so hard to satisfy society," she said.<\/p>\n
"If I smiled a lot or did myself up nicely, they would accuse
\nme of flirting. If I smiled less and put on conventional clothes,
\nthey would call me an aggrieved, rude spinster. I heard people
\neven speculate that I'm a lesbian. Jeez, what's wrong with these
\npeople? Can't they at least give a single woman a break?"<\/p>\n
Although it is different in urban areas, in small towns and
\nparticularly villages women are supposed to marry by at least
\ntheir early 20s, if not younger. It's not only about the
\nimportance of woman keeping "pure" before marriage, but also to
\nease the family's economic burden by bringing another wage packet
\ninto the home.<\/p>\n
A 1999 demographic survey found that 57 percent of Indonesians
\nmarried before the age of 20, and half of that percentage was
\nmarried at 16 or younger.<\/p>\n
Today, many people in major cities, especially Jakarta, are
\nunfazed by an unattached thirty-something woman in their midst.
\nBut they have their age limit.<\/p>\n
"They only grow impatient when the woman hits 35 but still
\nlooks comfortable with her singleness," says Evelyn Suleeman, a
\nsociologist from the University of Indonesia.<\/p>\n
And, except for practicing greater patience, society has not
\nreally changed the way it perceives women, who either by choice
\nor circumstance remain unmarried.<\/p>\n
"The age-old female stereotype still exists," Evelyn said.<\/p>\n
Society has long viewed women who could not "catch" a husband
\nas incomplete, unhappy, unattractive, incapable of social
\nrelationships, an anomaly and a disgrace to her family.<\/p>\n
It also becomes an all-encompassing excuse. For instance, the
\nbehavior of a sarcastic female colleague with a chip on her
\nshoulder is explained away by the fact that, in her late 30s, she
\nstill does not have a husband.<\/p>\n
Many parents still feel they could only claim success in the
\nparenting duties if they had walked their daughter down the aisle
\nand handed her over to the care of a groom, Evelyn said.<\/p>\n
Jayanti, 64, whose eldest daughter of 34 has not married,
\ninsisted, however, that the family's concern of the prolonged
\nsingleness of daughters or nieces had absolutely nothing to do
\nwith female stereotype.<\/p>\n
"We're not a bunch of narrow-minded people. All my girls have
\ngood careers and we encourage them to live their lives to the
\nfullest. But it is a woman's biological clock that we're worried
\nabout. If my daughter doesn't get married soon, chances are she
\nwill face more problems during pregnancy and delivery," she said.<\/p>\n
Marriage<\/p>\n
The concept of a woman happily and consciously deciding to put
\noff marriage for a career, or not to get married at all, is still
\nsomething society does not want to accept, Evelyn said.<\/p>\n
"Even most of the single women themselves consider that
\ngetting married, sharing their life with someone they love and
\nraising children of their own are among the natural, greatest
\ndesires in life," she said.<\/p>\n
Evelyn likes to make a simple survey of her students on their
\nperception of family values every year. The result shows only one
\nor two consider ruling out marriage. The majority say they cannot
\nimagine growing old without a husband and children.<\/p>\n
Linda Mangunsong, a 33-year-old executive, said she did not
\nbelieve the majority of Indonesian women really wanted to put off
\nmarriage for the sake of career or personal achievement.<\/p>\n
"They may feel like it when they just started to work and
\nthrilled to see the numbers on their pay cheques. But not when
\nthey are stable and more mature," said Linda, whose younger
\nsisters have all married and have children.<\/p>\n
If they want the marriage life so much, why haven't they got
\nmarried then?<\/p>\n
"Because I haven't met the man. Some friends said I'm just
\nbeing too damn picky, but I'm not," said the public relations
\nmanager of Gran Melia hotel, Hanum Yahya, who just turned 36.<\/p>\n
Getting married was Hanum's resolution last year.<\/p>\n
"I will definitely get married and yes, I'd love to have
\nchildren of my own... It's not like my life is doomed if I'm not
\nmarried this year, but being 36 years old... it's so close to
\n40, my God."<\/p>\n
Unfortunately for single women, a mature age and good career
\nare not a good combination. Women fancy mature men with wealth
\nand status, but not vice versa.<\/p>\n
"For some reason, men feel intimidated by me," Hanum said.<\/p>\n
Linda, who is the country manager of a Hong Kong-based
\nsoftware company, experienced the same thing, saying "prospective
\ncandidates" would usually back off after exchanging business
\ncards.<\/p>\n
"Society still believes that men should have a better job than
\nwomen," Linda said. "But, mind you, I don't regret being single
\neven at this age. I respect marriage so much that I don't want to
\nget married just for the sake of it."<\/p>\n
Describing themselves as fulfilled, content single women,
\nLinda, Hanum and Rosa said what they loved the most about their
\nsingleness was the freedom to explore life to the limit without
\nhaving to worry it might offend or ruin a spouse's plan.<\/p>\n
There is also the financial independence, too.<\/p>\n
What they dislike the most is the loneliness.<\/p>\n
"Weekends are particularly unbearable because my closest
\nfriends are spending them with their families. I would not join
\nthem even if they asked -- don't want to disturb them," Hanum
\nsaid.<\/p>\n
Even though she said she is content being single, she has that
\nage-old fear that still haunts many women, including the
\nfictitious character Bridget Jones of literary and cinematic
\nfame..<\/p>\n
"What I'm scared of the most is growing old alone," Hanum
\nsaid.<\/p>",
"url": "https:\/\/jawawa.id\/newsitem\/30-single-women-face-old-bias-1447893297",
"image": ""
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